I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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