I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
