is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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