I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Randomize
