I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
