I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
