i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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