I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
