I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
