I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
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