my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
