Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
