I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
