i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Randomize
