I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
