I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
