Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
