omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
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