Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Randomize
