george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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