I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Randomize
