Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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