Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Randomize
