God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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