fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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