It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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