You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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