Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
