I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
