Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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