So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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