So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
