At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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