I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
