Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
