i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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