I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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