so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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