dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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