News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
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