shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
