shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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