Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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