I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
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I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
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You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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