i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
