Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Randomize
