if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
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