her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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