The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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