Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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