He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Sober January is a disaster.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
