dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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