It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
