I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I met the friendliest cop last night
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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